Can Toxic Relationships be Healed?
Many of my clients, friends, and family often ask, "Can toxic relationships be healed?" It’s a big question, and today, I want to focus specifically on toxic relationships in couples.
Toxic dynamics can arise in any relationship—family, friendships, work—but romantic partnerships often carry an extra emotional weight. Can these relationships be healed?
A College Story: When Love Feels Like Walking on Eggshells
When I think about this topic, a memory from my college days comes to mind. A close friend of mine was in a relationship that, at first, seemed wonderful. She was so happy in the beginning, but over time, I noticed subtle changes. She began to look more stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. But for her, it was hard to see the signs.
She confided in me, saying things like, "I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time," or "I’m not the same person anymore. I have to do better. I need to do everything I can to keep him happy." Even back then, although I didn’t have the same understanding of toxic relationships that I do now, I knew something was wrong. I could see the emotional toll it was taking on her, even if she couldn’t. But to her, this was love. She believed that love was supposed to be difficult, full of sacrifice, and often anxiety-inducing.
When Love Feels Like a Battle: The Cultural Roots of Our Relationship Beliefs
This mindset runs deep in our culture, especially in music and media, often leading many of us to grow up with the belief that love equals struggle. I can personally relate to this as someone from a Latin American background, where love is often depicted as something that must be earned through sacrifice and emotional turmoil.
We've all heard love songs or watched movies that romanticize jealousy, controlling behavior, and conflict. These cultural messages can blur the line between love and toxicity, making it more difficult to recognize when a relationship has become unhealthy.
Conflict Is Normal—But Is It Healthy?
It's important to note that conflict itself isn't the issue. Conflict is natural in any relationship. What sets apart a healthy relationship from a toxic one is how that conflict is handled. In a healthy relationship, conflicts are opportunities for growth, mutual understanding, and respect. There's a foundation of trust and support. Both partners feel safe, even during disagreements. In contrast, toxic relationships are characterized by ongoing anxiety, emotional distress, and a sense of imbalance. You constantly feel like you're losing yourself, walking on eggshells, unsure of what will set your partner off next.
What Makes a Relationship Toxic?
Before delving into the characteristics of a toxic relationship, let's first understand what a healthy relationship looks like. In a healthy partnership, there is open communication, mutual respect, and the ability to resolve conflicts without fear. Both partners feel emotionally supported and free to express their needs.While there may be moments of stress, these moments do not define the relationship. You feel valued for who you are, and you feel like an equal partner.
Now, in a toxic relationship, things feel very different. There is often a sense of duality—extreme highs and lows. One day, everything feels perfect, and the next, it’s like walking through an emotional minefield. Some common signs include:
Controlling behaviour: One or both partners try to control the other's actions, decisions, or even emotions.
Power imbalance: One person holds more control, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise.
Criticism and disrespect: Constant criticism that chips away at self-esteem, often laced with disrespect.
Fear of expressing yourself: You feel afraid to voice your thoughts or needs for fear of triggering your partner’s anger or disappointment.
Emotional neglect: Your needs—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—are consistently dismissed or ignored.
Emotional or psychological aggression: This can be harder to spot because it’s often subtle. Your partner might make comments like, “You’re really going out dressed like that?” or “I’m only doing this because I care about you.”
Is Your Nervous System Always on High Alert?
If any of these behaviours sound familiar, it might be time to reflect on your relationship. When you find yourself constantly feeling on edge or like you're losing your sense of self, it’s essential to take these feelings seriously. What’s happening is that your nervous system is likely in a state of hypervigilance, where it’s constantly scanning for potential threats, leaving you unable to fully relax.
How Toxic Relationships Alter Your Nervous System
Being in a toxic relationship can deeply affect your nervous system because of the constant emotional stress and unpredictability. When you are frequently exposed to conflict, manipulation, or emotional abuse, your brain perceives these experiences as a threat. This activates the fight, flight, or freeze response, which is governed by the sympathetic nervous system.
In healthy relationships, your nervous system can relax after a disagreement or stressful moment. You might feel momentary tension, but once the issue is resolved, your body returns to a calm state. In a toxic relationship, however, the stress is often ongoing, and your body doesn’t get the chance to reset. Over time, this can lead to chronic stress and dysregulation of the nervous system, meaning your body is always ready for a threat, even when there isn’t one.
You may experience symptoms like:
Difficulty relaxing: You find it hard to unwind, even when you're away from your partner.
Shallow breathing: You may start to notice a change in your breathing patterns, becoming more shallow or rapid.
Sleep disturbances: Chronic stress can make it difficult to fall or stay asleep, leaving you fatigued and more emotionally vulnerable.
Hypervigilance: You’re always on edge, alert for signs of trouble, even in otherwise calm situations.
Increased anxiety: The unpredictable behaviour of your partner keeps you anxious, as you’re never sure what to expect next.
The Long-Term Impact of Nervous System Dysregulation: Walking on Eggshells
Living in a state of constant hypervigilance is not just emotionally exhausting, it can also have long-term effects on your health. Chronic stress and nervous system dysregulation can lead to:
Increased risk of mental health issues: Prolonged stress can cause anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When your nervous system is overwhelmed, it can make it difficult to engage with life in meaningful ways.
Weakened immune system: Chronic stress can lower your immune system’s ability to fight off infections, leaving you more vulnerable to illness.
Sleep disorders: Living in a toxic environment often disrupts sleep. A lack of restorative sleep can worsen emotional regulation, making it harder to cope with day-to-day challenges.
Relationship avoidance: After being in a toxic relationship, you may find it difficult to trust future partners, becoming hypervigilant for signs of potential toxicity in new relationships.
So, Can Toxic Relationships be Healed?
Yes, healing is possible, but it requires a great deal of effort, self-awareness, and commitment from both partners. Here are the key steps in healing a toxic relationship:
Awareness: The first and most important step is recognizing that the relationship is toxic. This might sound simple, but denial is common. Acknowledging the issue is the first step toward healing.
Honest communication: Once both partners recognize the toxic dynamics, open and honest communication is essential. This can be done individually in therapy or together in couples therapy.
Setting boundaries: Healthy relationships require clear, respectful boundaries. Both partners need to understand that they are individuals first, with their own needs, desires, and limits. Learning to set boundaries like, “I don’t feel comfortable with the way you’re speaking to me,” is crucial.
Rebuilding trust: If both partners are committed to healing, they will need to rebuild trust—both in the relationship and in themselves as individuals. This often requires time, patience, and ongoing self-reflection.
It’s Time to Take Care of You
It's important to prioritize your well-being. Toxic relationships can have a deep impact, affecting both your mental and physical health. They can disrupt your nervous system, keeping you in a constant state of alert. However, your nervous system needs safety, connection, and relaxation to function properly. When you experience signs of distress such as constant anxiety, tension, or feeling like you're losing yourself, it's crucial to pay attention to your body's signals. These are indicators that something is wrong, and taking steps toward healing is essential.
Therapy For Women: A Path to Healing
Therapy for women can truly be a lifeline when you're navigating the painful aftermath of a toxic relationship. It provides a safe, nurturing space where you can learn the essential tools for your healing journey. In individual therapy, the focus is entirely on you—your history, your needs, and your healing.
Together, we will delve into your core beliefs about relationships, often shaped by past experiences, and uncover how those beliefs impact your current situation. Building self-esteem is a pivotal part of this process. When you understand the roots of certain patterns, you can begin to break free from toxic behaviours and start nurturing healthier ones.
By working together, we can also incorporate polyvagal theory or somatic therapies to help retrain your nervous system to recognize safety. These approaches center on tuning into your body’s signals, learning to self-soothe, and transitioning from a state of constant alert to one of calm and security.
Therapy can serve as a bridge to understanding why your body reacts the way it does and how to regain a sense of control.
It Starts with You: Taking the First Step Toward Healing
Healing is a journey that begins with understanding, kindness towards yourself, and a willingness to put in the effort. Whether you're navigating this path alone or with a partner, it's crucial to recognize the impact of the toxic dynamic and commit to making positive changes. The first step may feel daunting, but it's also incredibly important. Therapy offers a safe and nurturing space to start this journey. With the right guidance, you can begin to unravel the layers of pain, rebuild your self-esteem, and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
A Space for Growth
If you feel like you're at a point in your life where you're ready to make positive changes and work towards healing, therapy can be an invaluable tool to help you on that journey.
Taking the step to seek therapy can lead to a more fulfilling and healthier future, and I'm here to support you every step of the way. If any part of this message resonates with you, or if you've decided that it's time to prioritize your mental well-being, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
You can reach out to me through the contact section on this website or by sending an email to lucia@luciatherapy.com. Together, we can embark on a healing journey that will bring positive transformation to your life.